Just to reveal another layer of yourself to you

Reading this made sooooo much sense.

Thanks to all my Soulmates, PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE.

"
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…
"

Elizabeth Gilbert
Eat, Pray, Love 

Aaaaaah

My fear right NOW

Oh my word!!! I'm at a stage in my life where, I'm scared about something that is not really an issue to other people but is freaking ME out. It's my birthday next week Saturday. I couldn't be bothered about the happenings of that day to be quite honest.

The big issue here, is that I am scared of ending up alone in a big house with 4 cats after work, one day. It looks like I'm heading towards that direction though. I mean how else can I describe it? I am so comfortable. I believe the person I fall in love with has to be someone my soul clicks with. I don't want to have to teach them how to be around me. I also don't want to learn how to be when I'm around them. (Maybe that's why I'm single? I'm not compromising?) I just want that easy love, there I said it, by saying easy love I'm not saying we must have a smooth relationship without fights. I just want to be me, and him to be himself. Another thing I'm not up for is having date nights. I'm not cut out for that crap hey. I tried warming up to the idea but hell!! I imagine going to different dates every week and for me that seems like a lot of work. Another thing is that I love my Job, so it is easy for me to go home after work and continue with my work there. So, if I am not doing these things (pretend, I'm someone I'm not and go on dates= relationship hunting, leave work at work) how on earth am I going to find a man? So I play around with ideas of how I should just lower my standards about relationships and go with flow but the stubborn- Simnikiwe refuses, I've tried killing her but she always pops up. she doesn't want to compromise at all. So I gave up. Like I said I am not going to stoop low or become something I am not. Can you now see how I'm going to end up single with 4 cats?

Soul mate if you're out there, make both our hearts happy and come home. Lets avoid the unnecessary detours.  Yes? No?

Big and strong

HEY THERE!!!!!!!!

So I got a Job, I told you guys when I was unemployed so now you have a right to know that I am employed. I won't get into the gory details about it, but I am HAPPY. I obviously have long term goals that scare the living day lights out of me but I am aiming for the moon here so I at least land on the stars IF I don't make it. This job right here is totally prepping me for what I want. Its a chapter in my life that I'm grateful for.

Its quite evident that 2012 hasn't been a great year for me, infact its been the worst year ever. A lot has happened. You know when you're just forced to be strong and you're forced to chin up? Ja, that kind of hectic. This was my first time having had to go through so much stuff alone. Usually there's been people who made the burden lighter but not this time around was forced to carry the load, one man. Life is sweeter and brighter now. I still get terribly home sick, still wish my Dad was alive, sometimes miss my ex, wish I was more closer to my siblings, still mumble and get upset when I have to wait for a taxi for too long, still have bad days, sometimes miss people I used to call friends and still feel like some people have it easy, while I have to go through the extra mile to get simple stuff and still have habits I want to break, but you know what I don't do anymore? I don't cry myself to sleep every week ANYMORE. It's either I have gotten stronger or I have grown tremendously, or maybe it could be a combination of the former and the latter. I'm not complaining though because I see progress.

Just giving you guys heads up that I'm still alive and kicking

 Note to my close friends: I'm not saying you were not there for me. Hahahaha, but you know it was emotional stuff that I had to fix, thanks for being a bbm, whatsapp, call away to those who have been there.

SIDE NOTE: I saw a tweet from the Eric Cartmen account ( That silly character from South Park) well its a parody account because we all know that a cartoon can't really tweet. I laughed so much at this, also felt like he was side eye-ing me while he was tweeting this.

RT @ltsCartman: Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna fucking suck.

Excuse the french*

Sim

xoxoxo

Who am I?

If you know me, you will know that I talk alot. I practically have an answer for everything. My Mom and brother are very quiet, My Dad was also a quiet man. My siblings from him are not so quiet but I take the cake for being the most talkative. I was one of those kids that got kicked out off class because I would annoy my teachers with my yapping. Those who attended varsity with me will also tell you that I was one of those annoying students who contributed to the lecture being long when they just wanted the lecture to finish or to go out for their smoke breaks. Yeah I am one of those. I must say though, it got better with growth (I think).

Now in my period of being unemployed I realised something. Everytime I go to an interview (I have had a couple) and the "Who is Simnikiwe" question pops up I take long to answer it. Like really long, that awkward silence long. Eventually I end up answering the question but it is never about who I really am. The last interview I had, well this one wasnt really an interview but an audition. I was asked to describe myself in my mother tounge. I wanted to cry. I was so shocked. I know my mother tounge but come on describing myself in my mother tounge felt like an impossible thing to do. Needless to say, I failed at it dismally. The camera man was laughing behind the camera and the lady auditioning (she's Afrikaans) said : "I am not Xhosa but I understood most of the things you said". I wanted to die so I asked her to give me another question and she asked what my hobbies are...Thats when I thought "there's no winning here" I told her what they were in ENGLISH and justified it by saying " There are no Xhosa words for my kind of hobbies". I was telling the truth though. What's facebook and Twitter in Xhosa?... Exactly my point. It was a fun experience though.

So through my job hunting, I have been forced to do some introspection, it has been so difficult because this involves looking in deep at myself and tracing back things that made me who I am. Obviously for work purposes I will have to omit the gory details. I wanted to go further and just find out who I really was and what I stood for. Just like I always have an answer for everything in an instant, I also wanted to answer the "WHO IS SIMNIKIWE" question in an instant.

Now I can say I have two answers of who I really am (workwise and growthwise)

I am not just an empty vessel that makes the most noise anymore, now I talk like this cause I can back it up,  LOL.


Sims
xxx

I call it bravery

Hello Everyone

May, has been crazy for me.

It started well and it also ended well…..The in between part  suprising. Apart from coming to Johannesburg not knowing where I will be sleeping back in 2008, what I did in May was one of the bravest things I have ever done. Ok, let’s get to it. I resigned from my Job. For the first time in my life I decided I will not settle for less than what I want. Don’t get me wrong, my ex-boss was and still is awesome at what she does and her drive is bananas. I can’t see her doing anything else, we got along and we had our inside “jokes” but workwise I wasn’t doing what I really wanted to do. I was scared of resigning because I didn’t want to seem like I was ungrateful for the opportunity I was given. It also hit me that, me staying at my previous job would be a waste of the company’s and my time, as difficult as it was I finally got to do it.

I have been at my place looking for a Job.  I haven’t done it properly though because I was preparing for my graduation, running around doing this and that. June is something else I’m winning already!

On the third week of May, my Mom came to Johannesburg for my Grad.  It was beautiful to be in that environment and to realise that my sleepless night were not in vain. For some reason when the Vice chancellor was giving a speech I had the “oomph” to do it again, yes, I mean go back to Varsity and further my studies. I forgot all about the mumbling that I did when I had an assignment due and 3 tests in one week. I just wanted to do it right there and then. At the beginning of the year I did have a talk with some of my peers about how I wanted to go back to Varsity, well in this case UNISA. For some reason I am not really satisfied with this current qualification, there’s more to it and I want it.  Not necessarily now, but I want to do it.

My Mom being here has given me that extra drive, I look back at where I come from and realise that I have been blessed with so many opportunities. She sacrificed a lot for me and all I want is to honour her for all that she has done for both my brother and I, but now I am a statistic (I am part of the unemployed South African youth) so where to from here? In my stepping out of faith, I didn’t want to entertain such thoughts so I won’t. When I told some cousins and friends that I have resigned from my job, they gave me that “are you mad reaction?” I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it. Initially I was scared of telling my Mom and Brother thinking they would force me to stay at my previous job so I can pay my bills, and boy! Was I wrong? They were not part of the decision making but they supported my decision and for that I am grateful.  The quest to become one of the Best Public Relations Practioner continues. The faith I have suprises me sometimes. I’m still hopeful as ever. I haven’t made or had time to feed any doubts.

I got the emails, BBM’s and tweets telling me to blog, not neglect my blog. My modem was acting up and I need some time to regroup without offending anyone. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.

PS: CONGRATS TO ALL MY FELLOW PRP’S THAT GRADUATED LAST MONTH J

Sims

xxx

One of my favs

Hey Guys

I just wanted to share one of my favourite poems by Maya Angelou.

 If you know me, you will know how much I love "let me not to the marriage of true minds" by William Shakespeare.This time around I just wanted to share with you, one of my favourite poems by Maya Angelou, This poem speaks to my heart. It's called "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings"

 on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hillfor the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Maya Angelou

Niki turns 21

This past weekend I finally went out to play.

The friendship started at res, I was a house committee member and she was one of the first years. She came to register three days after the actual registration day. One of my team mates was nervous about her and said “Guys I think this girl is going to give me problems” I told her to pass her on to me. I was not going to take any diva tendencies from a little girl. I met her, I found out that she was studying PR just like me. She didn’t give me any problems although she and her group of friends felt that I was picking on them. A few months down the line I would have her in my room and sometimes I would pop in her room. The following year she was all I had at res.  We became close, she ended up being my little friend. She turned 21 this weekend, and we decided to just go out. It wasn't a party or anything we just decided to go out. I wasnt feeling well but I couldn't miss going out with her on her Birthday weekend. See pics below.

The night started at Liquid Chef in Rosebank

We bumped into the lovely Moshe

Niki and I love Caramel Vodka, it would be wrong of us not to have one on her Birthday.

We really like acting silly, like I act her age sometimes.

We then move to HUSH

I bumped into my Veve, love this girl.

We went for some Cocktail Jars at Topi Gigio in Greenside on the actual birthday.

The boys joined us and fun was had.

I dont know how but my room was left in this ungodly state, we didnt even chill at home. So it beats me.




As sick as I was I had a great weekend and all the time to recover from it. However I wont be out for a very long time. Lets see what happens after my Grad.

xxx

I'm still standing

Wow!  Life happens hey. Not so long ago I was the happiest girl, new job, new place and content. Now I am learning to survive again. I don’t how it happened but all I know is that it happened. I got into a “depressed” state just like that. Well I didn’t just become “depressed” there were a few catalysts that added to my misery. Relationships (please note: RelationshipS) gone wrong and not working out. The reason some of them didn’t work out was because of some of the stupid choices I made. I didn’t just wake up from bed and BOOM everything went wrong. It was a build-up of things, that’s why I get mad at myself because surely, if I was smart enough I would have noticed some problems and save some relationships.  Others I decided to walk away from.  I am still mourning some of those relationships because there is love involved.

Anyway, I have been praying and forcing myself to believe that I am not a bad person, some days are better than the others. Thank Goodness for my childhood friends, we’re in different parts of South Africa but I at least know that they have my heart. The other one is here in Johannesburg with me. We don’t see each other all the time but I know she’s a phone call away. She understands that I am a difficult person who likes her space sometimes so she respects that.

When I look back at March, I’m like WOW! All of that nonsense in one month and I am still alive? For me there is no greater pain than emotional pain, my goodness!!! I realised that all these things made me stronger, I am not there yet but I can see myself becoming stronger and stronger.  I have also realised that forgiving other people doesn’t really free you if you haven’t forgiven yourself. It was a process but it was all worth it.

Love prevails.

My internet friends VS My real friends.

I struggle to put up posts about what I really want to say, because 1. I might be in trouble for saying the things I want to say or 2. This is rather a public platform, who knows? maybe my enemies (if I have them) go through this blog and they would delight to see my “lemons” or they can block blessings. Story for another day…
Hi my name is Sims and I am addicted to my phone.

So I know that this might sound too cliché and overused but I have seen it happen in my life. Smartphones have become our best friends, I know I am generalising but allow me. I am never really lonely. I am addicted to my phone, it scares me. I have become one of those people who can stay in on weekends and not bother about going anywhere just as long as I have my phone. If I do go out, I’m still on my phone taking pictures and updating my BBM status; “having a great time with the girls”, I tweet most of the things we are doing etc. Sometimes my boyfriend feels like he is competing with my phone but really it only makes sense to grab your phone when the red light flashes right? I call it sense of urgency because I can’t for the life in me ignore people, whether it’s tweets, facebook notifications or BBM’s even if I reply with a LOL. I feel better.

At first I used to make excuses when people complained about me being on my phone the whole time, excuses like; “but my Best friend is in PE, my other friends are all over the country so I’m usually communicating with them.” SUCH LIES!!!!!  On these social networks I made “friends” (let’s call them internet friends) I spent more and more time on my phone.  Here’s the thing though, who do I call when I’m in trouble? It’s the people that I hardly chat to on BBM, Whatsapp, facebook or tweet.

My point is; sometimes we lose out on our real friends because of our internet friends that are not really bothered about what happens in our lives when we log off from twitter or facebook etc. Let us not forget about our real people because we want validation elsewhere. They have been there before the smartphones.

 PRIORITISE.

From one phone addict to another. *runs*

Settling in

My Oh my, it has been a very long time…. I know, it’s this growing up thing hey.

The past month has been something else, it’s not all gloom and doom though. It’s been growing up. On February 1^st I started at my new job and on the same day I moved into my new place. I’m one of those fortunate people right now. I love my job, like really LOVE IT.

I have settled into my new place, it’s a nice cosy complex in Ferndale; I no longer have the need to go gallivanting on Weekends. I am enjoying my space BIG TIME. I am not going to have a house warming though; I will have one of those when I BUY a house. (Sorry, friends; p but let’s save our money for later.)

Do you guys now understand the disappearing act?

The whole looking for a place to stay and moving in thing hasn’t been easy. It made me realise that I am not domesticated at all. Everything was an issue from hanging curtains( I cried a lot) to choosing the right linen.  Coming back from work, tired as hell and having to cook because unlike Res there is no money for takeaways anymore has been a major challenge. This whole experience made me appreciate my Mother. At some point I blamed her for not teaching me some stuff, but then I realised that it is my own journey. So I pulled up my big girl panties and did what I had to do. Now when she comes to visit me, she will see my curtains neatly hung. Obviously she will find something wrong, because that’s what Mothers do right? The struggle financially has been something else though hey, buying something impulsively is now foreign to me, like I see that as a luxury now.

I have also settled in at work, there’s obviously still a lot to learn. My Boss is the best, I am not saying this because she might happen to see this blog later on. I mean it, this woman has soooooooooo much drive, like I want to be like her one day no doubt, she also makes me feel like I have made it. I mean sometimes I don’t go to the office, I get to work from home (cool huh?) on a serious note though, she is such an inspiration. When I have my own business one day, I am definitely using her work ethic.

As broke as I am, I am truly blessed for all I have right now. I have also realised that there is a void that material stuff can’t fill, but hey we keep on searching and searching and searching right?

Letting GO

I am one person who has letting go issues, like for me when I want to let go of someone I dont understand when the person runs after me. I ask myself why can't this person read between the lines but when it's me I drag the letting go process. I actually force someone into staying. Such selfishness. I know.

I am trying so hard to be one of those people who just say; " ok you don't want me in your life, Im out then." a friend of mine, is one of those people, she just blocks the pain and I have never seen her feeling sorry for herself, she just moves on. You know how people say, if you don't deal with stuff it will catch up with you later on? This statement is not really true. My friend is just fine, I have known her for years now. Lord knows I want that part of her personality. Am I asking for too much? I mean it hurts chasing people to stay in my life, why won't I learn that, that chapter of my life is done?

This year all I want to learn is to let people go, because I am also stopping them from moving on. I don't want this staying in bed for a week business because I am mourning someone leaving me. I hope in 12 months time, I will be a completely different person in the letting go department.

I will learn.

Like I said, this blog is about my Lemons and Lemonade.

xxx

Big sis, Lil sis and the UJ stampede

My sister just matriculated and she had asked me to help her apply at UJ ( My former Varsity). I was excited to play "big sis' and to try help my sister get into UJ, although it was too late, I told my sister lets do it. Lets give it a try. We gave it a shot, not knowing what was awaiting us, we made our way to the UJ Bunting Road Campus. When we got to the gates, the amount of people I saw shock the living day lights out of me. I looked at my sister and she started sobbing. I told myself that I have to do something, I cant let her down, we have to get inside the campus no matter what. through huffing and puffing we manged to get inside. Day one, we didn't win. We were asked to come back following morning, I had a bit of hope. This morning we got up and we were there by 5:30 AM. The line was super long, we were not going to make it inside.

After seeing people pushing and shoving to get in, my sister said to me: "Sis, we dont have to do this it's ok, like we are going to die here". we went across the street and we just watched the whole commotion, we even took pictures. People were getting injured and some were refusing to make way for the ambulances, it was complete chaos. To cut the long story short, I wasn't able to help my little sister but I was so proud of her for telling us to walk away, who knows what would have happened had we not walked away?

The journey is not done yet, but out of all of this I have learn't .......1) that people will not always react, the way you think they will. I was expecting my sister to cry and be miserable and she did the total opposite. 2)I did my best and I have to feel good about it even if the result wasn't what we were looking for.

Lil Sis (Thoko) chilling after a hectic morning.



As long as you try your best, you should feel proud. it might not always turn out as you expected but at least there are no regrets.

Proud Sister :-)

Sim learns to be STILL

It's 2012, A new year and boy is it different! Last month I finished my studies, my contract ended at where I was doing my internship, another opportunity came up before my contract ended. Most people are going back to work, some back to school and some to varsity and I am waiting (it's the don't call us we will call you type of scenario). The thing is: I am used to being "busy", doing something, whether it be going back to school, varsity or work. The problem I was faced with was; I didn't know how to be still, I had heard of this word many times before and I once thought I knew how to be still meanwhile I was on my phone the whole day "relaxing" after a hectic week at work or varsity. Now that I was "forced" to being still (nothing interesting on twitter and facebook). I realised how clueless I was about it all.

In the few days of doing nothing, I have learnt a lot about myself, things I didn't know about myself have now become visible. I will not lie and say it came easy, I had to learn to be still in order to achieve all of this. I now see the need of being still. I believe something positive comes out of it.  I now know where I lack, what I need to work on and what I already posses all because I was "forced" to be still.